I heard a fun (and instructive!) anecdote a while back from an exhausted mom of rammy teenage boys.

She was feeling under-appreciated for keeping the homestead tidy and running smoothly. One day, she did a top-to-bottom house cleaning - kitchen, bathrooms, windows, vacuuming, putting stray items away - and lit a scented candle to tie her huge effort in a white bow.

When her big boys crashed through the front door from whatever sports practice or hellraising they had just wrapped up, she said to them, "hey guys, I worked hard today cleaning the house up and I'm really proud of how it looks right now. Great, right?"

The kids agreed. "Hell yeah, Mom! Looks awesome!"

Then they swarmed the Welch's fruit snacks or what have you and rampaged on to the next activity, not giving the interaction much more thought.

However!

The mom felt amazing. She expressed to them how hard she had worked, called attention to how satisfied she felt about the result, and asked directly for validation and appreciation.

Where I'm going with this is: ask for what you want! Be assertive and specific!

You don’t get what you don’t ask for!

Why I'm bringing this up today

I've had a few successes on this front this past week and want to encourage you to do this so you can resolve your need and move on to better problems.

Scenario 1

I'm on a long daily-exercise streak. One of my best friends and I check in with each other every night to chat about how that day went. On Wednesday, I threw out an ask - I verbatim said this - that I wanted to be congratulated for completing a workout at 10pm when I'd rather have turned to veal on the couch.

She delivered! And I still haven't missed a day, even when I haven't especially felt like doing it. She asked for a congrats on her workout as well and I was happy to toss one back to her!

Positive reinforcement is the #1 best way to keep a practice on-track. Ask for it!

Leverage your close relationships; they are unfair advantages! Friends are generally more than happy to help, especially if the ask is a low-overhead effort.

Item 2

I did makeup activities for the first time in maybe a year on Wednesday for a special occasion. I didn't wait for Jim to notice - I sent him a selfie and solicited an agreement: I look so cute today, don't I?!

He agreed: Beautiful!

I posted a selfie to Instagram so other people could see it too! Check this shit out, guys!

Makeup is an annoying pain in the ass when you're not used to doing it every day. If I find the energy to do that work, I want to be told I look extra-adorable!

Ask for what you want!

Number 3

During a text conversation with a different friend a few days ago, I fired off a few jokes back to back. It was early in the morning and he made a completely neutral comment that I was always on.

I misread this - a common text-fail with everybody - and suddenly felt unsure of myself. Because of some negative experiences in the past, I misinterpreted that I was being annoying and too much (ugh).

After a furrowed-brow hesitation of less than 2 minutes I said: "request for reassurance: having a few seconds of self-consciousness about this".

He said right away that he didn't think that at all, we talked it out right there, I got the specific reassurance I asked for, and we immediately moved back to jokes.

I'm an overthinker - if I had just let that moment of self-inflicted self-doubt stay ambiguous, I would've felt like shit all day!

Shameless self-promotion

I always ask people if they want to subscribe to this KLA newsletter when it comes up in conversation.

These take a while to write! Hell yeah I want people to see them!

Also, I'm performing at Fest Comedy in October - just like what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, there are no guarantees at Fest - but I tell friends who will be there that I would love for them to make an effort to come to my set.

(Saturday, October 29, Hippodrome Theatre, 3:30pm)

Don't be too cool to express that you want people to support you!

My dude Steve, who's in one of my favorite Fest bands (Love Kills Joy), asked if I had a shirt with my name on it that he could wear to THEIR set since I'm planning to wear a LKJ shirt onstage and they and I have been doing an ongoing buddy-resource exchange.

Yo, I'm saying, I made him a shirt on Teespring with the logo from my website and you better believe I got one for me!

I'm not a musician with actual merch, but if I have a custom design ready to go, you bet your ass I'll wear a t-shirt with my own name on it!

Last one: I had a birthday in late June. I 100% did ask in these words on Instagram that I wanted to be congratulated for outgrowing 2 rounds of fake IDs (I'm 42).

My friends were more than happy to shower me with birthday attention, which is specifically what I wanted and asked for!

Going after what you want in love relationships is a great call, too

On a first date: "this was great, and I had so much fun with you. I'd love to see you again as soon as possible. I'll text you tomorrow."

When you've been dating a while and you're sure they're it: "I want to marry you. What are your thoughts here?"

Your tenth December together: "would you like to know what I want you to get me for Christmas?"

Nobody I know is telepathic. Your partner can't read your fucking mind!

Cultivating a practice of being forward about what you want frees up huge stores of energy you can spend on better things.

Do you really want to spend years lying next to an oblivious sleeping partner while you angrily stare at the ceiling every night resenting them and kicking yourself for letting your needs go unspoken and unmet?

You don’t have to walk around hungry all the time! Go to the metaphorical Wendy's and tell them you want a fucking 4 for 4!

The long game: close and honest relationships

In the last 4 years I've requested 3 people to mentor me because I liked them personally and wanted the knowledge they have.

My career has been miles more packed with skills, insider info, and surprising insights than it would've been without the guidance I specifically asked for.

All 3 are also my friends and frequent collaborators now, too!

Having buds kicks ass!

DM or text your friends when you want them to praise you for an accomplishment - or if you need to be reassured in a moment of uneasiness.

Broadcasting a deep need to a large social-media audience will, in my experience, generally not satisfy your starving insecurity.

I generally only post to social media once or twice a week because I know exactly how to get the custom validation I want from the targeted individuals I want it from (with the exception of Makeup Day).

If real company and a bit more than a superficial acknowledgement is what I actually need, I resolve that 1:1 behind the scenes by being assertive that I want affirming conversations with specific people.

Attention is lovely! But make sure you're actually asking for the kind of attention that's going to plug the hole you have or nothing's going to hit right.

Solve the problem at the root! Everybody, as far as I know, wants to be listened to, understood, known well, and loved deeply!

Note for the members of marginalized groups reading this - don't apologize for your request, no matter how bold you think it is. It's almost never a big deal to the other person!

If you feel self-conscious about the ask, thank the other person - thank you for bearing with me - instead of so sorry that I have human needs.

It commands credibility and respect!

Being forward makes people trust you

This series of habits also creates conditions for people to be at ease with you because you tell the truth, put your agenda out there transparently, and speak up with exactly what's on your mind. They don't have to guess at what you're thinking because you're always honest.

This has to be an exchange, though!

If you're assertive about telling people what you like about THEM and give them what THEY want in good faith (signals of acceptance, understanding, support, reassurance, and affection), you demonstrate that you're safe to trust because you're genuinely looking out for them.

Tailor that support to what individuals like on their own terms. Extroverts might want to be praised in public; artists generally appreciate you going to their shows and buying, crediting, and promoting their work; and introverts might want to just kick it with you 1:1 on the couch or catch up asynchronously over a long text conversation.

When you assertively and unambiguously tell people you like them for who they are and let them know you're a safe person to ask, they'll usually feel comfortable to tell you what THEY want.

Everybody gets what they need! And you can spend insecure energy you'd be blowing on resentment and loneliness on something much better and more productive.

This was a good newsletter, huh? 😂

That's it! Have a great week.

Give 'em hell and go get what you want!

​